A Tribute to Marilyn Tyler, delivered by Lynn on 3/18/07 at memorial service

Hi, I’m Lynn Melby Gordon, Marilyn’s daughter. On behalf of the family, I’d like to thank you all for coming today. We have people who have driven in from Palm Springs and Ventura and others who have flown in from distant cities, other states, and even Mexico. It means so much that we can have a day like this and be all together to remember Marilyn, who was simply a wonderful, wonderful, vibrant, special person. I see this as a celebration of her life and a chance to pay tribute to someone who touched us all in so many ways. I’m looking forward to hearing great little stories about my mom and getting a chance to spend some time here with so many of you who were very important to her.

After we adjourn from the auditorium, by the way, we’re expecting everyone to join us for lunch, continuing reminiscences, and a party. Yes, I have it in writing. Marilyn said to throw a party, so we even having a little live music, and I understand we have some surprise musicians who will be sitting in for some special tunes. Our house is very close by, practically around the corner. Be sure to pick up a directions sheet on the way out.

We are meeting today at the CHIME Charter Elementary School, which is where Hunter and Tyler are in third grade. By the way, in 2005, it won “Charter School of the Year,” out of 500 charter schools in California. I think a school is an especially appropriate location for this tribute because my mom was an outstanding school teacher for about ten years when she was young and first out of college, and she really continued to be a teacher for the rest of her life, I think many of you would agree.

A few years ago, my mom started writing the story of her life. It started off as a story about her idyllic rural childhood, so that she could share it with her four grandchildren, who were city kids. Now, Marilyn grew up on a dairy farm in the teeny, tiny town of Spring Grove, Minnesota. Everybody knew one another and almost everyone was of Norwegian extraction. I used to love hearing about her wonderful life growing up on the farm with her brothers and sisters, how she used to help work on the farm, how she used to help her Daddy deliver the milk, and how she helped sterilize the milk bottles, and how she loved to play with the kittens in the barn. I was also amazed to learn that there was one class of each grade in school. She ended up going through school, all the way to high school in Spring Grove with the same batch kids that were in first grade with her. Marilyn really got into writing, however, and ended up penning a full-blown, well-written, highly readable memoir of her life. She distributed four copies to be saved for the four grandchildren – so they would be later be able to read about Grammy’s life in the “olden days.” Just a handful of other relatives and friends have ever read her book because she thought it couldn’t be of interest to anyone but family. Well, I think you would all love to read her wonderful life story, and I would be happy to email it to you. If you are interested, be sure to neatly print your email address on the Guest sign-in sheets we have at the door, and which we’ll bring back to the house afterwards. I made a limited number of paper copies for people who don’t have email, plus I have designated a few paper copies to some core family and close friends who we thought should have a copy. If you really, really want a paper copy or you just don’t have email and you can’t get a copy that way, let me know when we get back to the house.

Mom was a smart businesswoman and she loved sharing her tips for financial success. She always said to be frugal and live within your means, save some of what you earn, avoid using credit cards when you can use cash, invest in real estate, and don’t buy things you don’t need. She started me on a small allowance when I was five and instituted a doubling policy. If I saved my money and deposited it into the bank for long-term savings, she’d double my money as a reward. It was a great way to teach me to save for a rainy day. So now I’m doing the same thing with Hunter and Tyler, to pass on this lesson about saving.

She also had good cooking tips. Here’s lesson number one from Marilyn, use real butter, not margarine, if you want it to taste good, especially with baked goods. But really, this butter lesson applies when making garlic bread, linguine with clam sauce, cooked vegetables, popcorn, toast, you name it. Spread it all the way to the edges and use plenty. The more the better. And you’ll notice that she did not die of a heart attack. So I’m thinkin’ that she’s thinkin’ ha ha on everyone who was worrying about that. She taught me how to roast a turkey, how to fry a steak in butter in a cast iron skillet, how to make a “golden tender” omlette, how to make awesome chicken soup with veggies and barley from scratch, how to make Gramma’s famous oatmeal buttermilk pancakes, and how to make poached eggs on toast with hot milk.

She got me to love thrift stores and showed me how decorate with odds and ends and how to fix up old things creatively. She taught me how to sew and how to make curtains and quilts. She taught me how to paint rooms, how to use the library, how to body surf, how to drive a stick shift, how to drive defensively, how to un-jam a garbage disposal, how to throw a big dinner party without getting nervous, and through her perfect example, how to be pretty confident and self-sufficient in going through life.

She loved sharing her wisdom and philosophies about life, didn’t she? I used to think my mom just talked a lot (and of course she did talk a lot) but I really have to admit, she had a lot to say. She had a lot of really important messages she imparted on a daily basis. She had a great attitude about life and how to understand and accept life on life’s terms. She didn’t preach or tell people what to do, but she’d share her experiences and mistakes and explain how she came to some important insight. Her good lessons have become a part of who I am and how I view the world. I am so grateful for having her as a mom. I totally lucked out. Thanks for picking her out, Dad.

I have a million fond memories of Mom. I remember her reading out loud to me dramatically and with fabulous expression when I was little. I remember her doing embarrassing yoga poses and standing on her head at the beach when I was about ten. I remember her looking so pretty when she and Da got dressed up to go out to a special dinner or industry event, and the heady scent Lauder’s Youth Dew perfume when she’d kiss me and Ricky goodnight. I remember her playing in the pool with Ricky and me and doing underwater ballet poses. I remember her making us gorgeous home-sewn Halloween costumes and I especially loved the matching mother-daughter dresses she sewed when I was about seven, eight, and nine. I recall her making lots of health food, especially in the 60’s and 70’s, and eating lots of wheat germ, sprouts, homemade yogurt, and creative scary desserts made out of tofu and carob. I remember watching her perform with flair in many little theater plays around LA in the 80’s. She was proud of winning a Drama Louge Best Actress Award for one play she did, the title of which was “Father’s Day.” I remember many nice holiday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas dinners over the years, often with my dad and the various step-dads (either Da or Mike or both in later years) plus various relatives, ex-in-laws, and step-kids all happily included and in attendance. She made sure to keep the family together, no matter whom she was married to. I also remember how lovingly she took care of Mike when he got sick and what a great job she did taking care of my Gramma Alpha in the later years of her life, when Mom brought her out to California and had her live with her. I remember mom playing the piano, mostly show tunes, Scott Joplin ragtime, old time favorites, and sometimes fun and peppy duets with my Aunt Melba. I will always remember the joy that she took in her grandchildren. She was out of her mind in love with Alexandra and Madeleine (Ricky and Holly’s girls) and Hunter and Tyler, our wonderful boys. Mom loved just adored them all to pieces and some of you have heard all about how these four are just the smartest, cutest, funniest, and best grandkids practically in the whole world. She was right, of course. She was a top-drawer, outstanding Grammy. It was always a treat to go and visit Grammy, either in Palm Springs or in Ventura, or to have Grammy come to visit. She was well loved and will be certainly missed and fondly remembered.

One of the most distinctive things about my mom was the impressive habit she had of being nice and kindly and friendly and chatty with practically everyone she met. The result was that she made friends with everyone. This would include her apartment tenants, the person behind her waiting in line at the bank, the repair guy, whomever. She didn’t learn that rule that you’re not really supposed to talk to other people in elevators. She would just go ahead and talk to people in elevators and it would put a smile on their face and make the ride a little more fun.

Of course, AA was a big part of my mother’s life. She celebrated twenty-nine years of sobriety a few months ago and I’m so glad I got a chance to go to her Ventura morning meeting and give her her AA birthday cake, given on the anniversary of sobriety, which is one of their rituals. I think it made Mom really happy to have me go with her that day and I’m glad I made the effort. I had only done it a handful of times over the years. She always felt that it was so important for the newcomers to see veteran AA people take their cakes and I think she felt it was a moral obligation or something to share her experience, strength, and hope with others. Marilyn called her morning meetings, “attitude adjustment meetings,” by the way, and I guess the proof is in the pudding. For the most part, didn’t that lady have a pretty great attitude on a daily basis?

You can see on the back of the pretty photo of my mom (which is your little party favor for coming today), three of her favorite slogans I heard a lot:

1. One day at a time.

Now for my mom, this one day a time saying, seemed to me to be more than just don’t drink one day at a time, but a deep understanding that today is the only day you have so enjoy it. She often said yesterday is gone so don’t waste your time yearning for what might have been and tomorrow is not here yet and you might get hit by a bus tomorrow anyway, so don’t waste your time worrying about it, just pay attention to today and the moments you’re having right now. She wanted everybody to enjoy their life right now, today, and be present. Good one, Mom.

This leads in to her second favorite saying,

2. Acceptance is the answer to all your problems.

It’s such a bummer, but she’s right about that.

And this leads right into her third favorite saying,

3. Have an attitude of gratitude.

She modeled this all the time. And you know, she wasn’t just a fakey Pollyanna type, with a forced smile on her face saying, “Isn’t life perfect?” She practiced affirming a grateful attitude for so many years, working her program, that she just got in the habit of having and expressing a grateful attitude for whatever life brought her. She was so classy. Even when her lymphoma was progressing, she’d say, “I can’t complain as long as I can walk and talk and read and eat and sleep.” She loved her dear friends, fun activities, reading good books, salacious tabloid news, but also the simple things like a tasty steak, a great night’s sleep, or just lovely weather. I can hear her calling me so many times saying, “Oh, it’s another beautiful day in Ventura!” I’m so glad that my mom really enjoyed her life. She lived it to the fullest and took the time to smell the flowers.

Finally, I just want to say that my mom was a wonderful mom to me. I couldn’t have wished for a better mom. She was always rooting me on, telling me how great I was, and telling other people in front of me that I was wonderful. (I’m sorry - you probably wanted to throw up after the twentieth or thirtieth time you heard this.”) She always acted proud of me. She never criticized me or tried to change me. She accepted me for who I am and I knew she loved me. In many ways, she was my best friend.

I loved my mom and I am so sorry she is gone from this life and not with us anymore, but I will always treasure her memory and be grateful for having her as a mother and for the lessons in life she gave me. I will go forth and try to teach her lessons to my children, as they are the lessons of a good person - an intelligent, beautiful, talkative, dramatic, sensible, frugal yet generous, caring, and very wise lady.